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“Collective Minds of Eris’
Children”
Page TWO
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(TANSTAAFL28)
77. And BEHOLD, the Great Inseminator was perplexed by the Spilling
of the Seed, and ordered Jesus to act irrationally and kick money launderers
out of the temple laundromat so that no balance cycle could be restored.
78. Thus did the stones of the Spilt Seed doth become sacred, and
women from far and wide came to kneel before the Stain of the Spilt Seed to pray
for fertility, precious stones, and hairspray. Some of which was forthcoming.
79. The Goddess in her infinite Wisdom decreed that someday seeds
would be spilled elsewhere and be used to embarrass presidents and other sorts
of people. But enough with this seed business.
80. Though we lay low, the greatness of chaos and change does fill
our cups and bellies with the sustenance of the Universe, causing all to
rejoice and do the Lambada, for this dance leads to all sorts of random events,
some of which happen all of the sudden.
81. For the greatness of
all things is contained in the thought before thought becomes thought, and is
thoughtless, formless, timeless, and in all ways less than what was originally
thought to be more or less whatever less than more of nothinglessness is. And
so it is.
Pope
Fay (FAYANORA)
82. And
lo! There was a serious writer's block upon the good Pope Fay the Blasphemous,
for the extremely over-long scripture "Lipinski 66.69" wast just
finished yesterday, ready to be typed, and her inspiration had become
expiration. The expiration date having passed, Fay went to the grocery store to
get some more. On the way there, she realized she was going, and that by her
family's opinion, she would later be coming. She liked cumming, so she stopped
at Kum & Go to pick up Playboy. And the expiration date having passed, the
inspiration date being future, and the cum being now, she said, "How now
Brown Chao," and went to the store.
83.
After she bought the inspiration, she noticed her robes were all stained from
all that cumming, so she started going to K-Mart to get a change of clothes,
but the store was clothesed. So she used her Discordian Majick to get rid of
the stain. And lo! Billy Mays for OxyClean waxed sorely pissed. But he got over
it. Wax on, wax off.
84. And
since there was a lot of waxing going on... okay, we won't even go there.
85. And
Pope Fay spake, "If thoughtlessness is great, George W. Bush must be
awesome, for his mind ist empty."
And
Jesus didst say, "So he made Jesus Day in Texas, so what! GET OVER IT,
FAY!"
And lo!
Pope Fay didst lace his wine with opium.
86. And
Cthulhu did the Macarena.
(TANSTAAFL28)
(I
thank you for your words of encouragement and compliments. We are all
Discordians, some just haven't figured it out yet. Some take longer than others
to become simultaneously disillusioned and enlightened. It is the nature of
discord that all things follow the beat of a different tuba.)
87.
And thus it was said that nothing is everything and everything is nothing and
all that was right was suddenly wrong and that which was perceived to be a
natural balance of all things was really not what it seemed. This was an
awakening for those who had not slept, and a dream for those who were awake,
and a vision for those who could not see.
88.
Alas didst the balance of chaos demand a sacrifice of enormous proportions and
thus it was deemed necessary to unleash upon the world an annoying purple
dinosaur and the entire State of Texas.
89.
And so it was that the annoying purple dinosaur and the State of Texas did
greatly perplex and annoy many who could not fathom the origins or motives of
either, but regardless, they were here, and it would be rude not to try and
offer the fruits of civilization to even the most ignorant of savage. Thus were
many attempts to bring corn nuts and party hats made, many pilgrimages and
missionaries were sent, none returned. For they were swallowed whole by the
State of Confusion and Ignorance (Not to mention the Dallas Cowboys, Waco,
flash floods and the Alamo).
90.
If ever the Goddess's wisdom was needed, now was not the time, for there is no
wisdom like know wisdom like no wisdom I know. Thus ignorance a virus and truth
is but the first victim. And stars and garters are sure to follow everywhere.
Socrates still wants to know: "I specifically ordered a double martini and
all they have is hemlock?"
91.
And as it were so thus it was ever supposed to never be. Pope Fay was bloated
and needed to pee. Whoopee!
(Ravenotani)
92: And
for her need to pee pope didst enter the Discordian lava tree.
93:
Upon the walls of the Lava Tree were written words of Discordian Revelations.
94:
When the humans of the mud ball known as earth reach a number equaling the
sacred number to it' own power, raised in fact to itself a number of times
equal to itself the world will end.
95: And
upon hearing the graffiti speak Pope Fay was confused, for normally such words
are seen and not herd.
96:
Deciding it didn't really matter she peed into the toilet whereupon she forgot
to flush.
Pope
Fay (FAYANORA)
97. And
Pope Fay didst wax sorely irritated that her toilet habits were being watched
and broadcast over the Internet, so she didst don her aluminum foil beanie, and
became invisible to such scrutiny.
98. Lo!
Pope Fay didst call upon Cthulhu, to chase away Barney the Purple Dinosaur, the
root of all evil.
99. And
she didst say, "I shall let someone else havest the glory of continuing to
the number one-hundred."
(Ravenotani)
100: And so it came to pass that Raven, matron saint of accidentally bleached leather undergarments claimed verse 100.
101: And the confusing and confused Goddess most perplexing spake unto her
102: "Do not strive to understand chaos, seek rather to misunderstand order.
103: And furthermore lets throw a huge party to celebrate the demise of that irritating purple dinosaur.
104: And don't forget to forget the hotdog buns."
Pope Fay (FAYANORA)
105.
And Pope Fay the Blasphemous came to the party, and lo! She had brought the
hot-dog buns.
106.
And lo! She put cheese, mustard, and relish into a hot-dog bun, and placed a
soy-protein "hot-dog" within the hot-dog bun, and lo! Pope Fay the
Blasphemous ate-est of the hot-dog buns, before their very eyes.
107. Jesus
didst puke in the pool, disgusted at the sight of a Discordian eating hot-dog
buns.
108.
And as further blasphemy, Pope Fay didst believe what she read, and refused to
partake of a hot dog on a Friday.
109.
She didst invoke Shoikin and Shoikin said, "There are no rules except
where you choose to have them! To make eating hot-dog buns against dogma is to
become as bad as the Greyfaced Cabbages. Pope Fay the Blasphemous is here to
help you all realize that! TIS AN ILL WIND THAT BLOWS NO MINDS!" and lo! Shoikin
turned into a fish riding a bicycle and rode off into the sunset.
110.
And there thou be-est.
(TANSTAAFL28)
111. Praise be
the porcelain marvel which gives us someplace to up heave the excesses of our
parties and an alternate reading location for those brave enough to endure the
elements. Flushed or not, the toilet is an idol worthy of being praised. Let us
bow before the superior knowledge and wisdom of Uncle John's Bathroom reader!
Let us not forget the greatness of having a John Handy, which teaches us the
cosmic swirling patterns of our Universe are just as complex and smelly as
the cosmic swirling patterns in our toilets.
112. And so as we move
forward...or is it backwards? As time is an illusionary reminder that things
happen in no particular order at all, we must set our watches back to daylight
spending time so as to coordinate our completely uncoordinated and indifferent
takeover of all rocks weighing five stone or more, and all trees taller than
the average giant laying down. For it is impossible to sneak up on a blade of
grass without cutting one's self.
113. The path to
righteousness is chaos, the path to chaos is nonsense, the path to nonsense is
through my left nostril, do not attempt this trick at home, for it is the sign
of a true unprofessional.
114. And so it was that
all left-handed baseball bats gathered unto thee and spake that they were tired
of being a minority and demanded equal treatment under the law, for it had been
decreed that only right-handed baseball bats were allowed to marry and have
progeny, in an odd coincidence, left-handed baseballs also were neglected in
this arrangement. Perhaps because baseball is a counter-clockwise game played
to the right instead of the left, perhaps it is all a coincidence of no
particular consequence.
115. Thus doth the
attendant recognize that the best time to write scripture is in the wee hours
of the morning when nary a flea is stirring, for this is the time when the pineal
gland is stimulated best. When the penial gland is stimulated, nothing of any
import may be accomplished. For the Goddess insured that all men would have
only enough blood for one or the other and so it is and so mote it be. When men
give of their heads they must give all for one and one for all.
116. And thus is the great mysteries revealed that all methods of thought merely an illusion, all methods of creating order only create chaos, all methods of understanding lead only to confusion, all methods of communication are wasted on the mute button. Thus doth the cosmic remote control suffer from a sudden loss of battery charge, and the system is forever stuck on The Weather Channel, where no weather happens as it is predicted, therefore demonstrating the ultimate wisdom of the Goddess. Thus is Watching of the Weather Channel an Affirmation of Faith in the unpredictability of all things.
Pope Fay (FAYANORA)
117. And lo! It wast decreed that recording the Weather Channel to watch it later wast furthermore an act of faith than merely watching it live.
118. And Jesus read 111 (about the toilet), drank some Jack Daniel's, said, "Amen to that, brother!" and puked in the crapper.
119. Pope Fay then decreed that the inventor of the flushable toilet, whose
name was Thomas Crapper, would be the Patron Saint of Flushable Toilets.
"HEY!" Shouted Shoikin. "Crapper didn't invent the toilet! Sir
John Harrington did!"
"So? His name is funny. And he made toilets famous."
Jesus laughed. "Crapper made the toilet famous, but it was invented by a
John!"
"Fine, then. Saint Sir John Harrington and Saint Thomas Crapper, twin
Patron Saints of the Flushable Toilet!"
"You think THAT's funny?" said Saint Gulik, "What's even funnier
is that Sir John only made two toilets, and it was Alexander Cummings who
re-invented Harrington's water-closet!"
"I've been cumming in the toilet," said Jesus, as he drank some more
Jack Daniel's.
120. A great philosopher once said, "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."
121. Pope Fay wast masturbating one day, and wast struck by a huge inspiration at the same time the cum came out. Thereupon the inspiration, whatever it had been, proved TANSTAAFL! wrong. But Fay, so tired from cumming, couldn't get up to write it down, and so she forgot it. Rotten shame.
122. And Fay would have to wait for later for more inspiration. :-)
LORD RANDOM HEARSE (TANSTAAFL28)
123. TANSTAAFL! was doth overcome with great tidings thinking of
Fay's Mind Bending Orgasm of Forgetfulness, for anyone who doth have one of
these is surely destined for great things. Or at least great orgasms. Or maybe
just some extra lint at Christmas time.
124. And thus was TANSTAAFL! transformed by the glittering awe of
Pope Fay's holy masturbatory consecration that he felt a need to take a new
name....but what should he call himself? For this he determined he must consult
the source of our Holy Mandate, the Principia Discordia itself!
125. Thus did TANSTAAFL! consult the holy book of nonsense, chaos,
and furniture suitable for framing and lo and behold, INSPIRATION from the
Goddess Herself! And the Goddess spake to him in toungues: HENCEFORTH YE SHALL
BE KNOWN AS Lord Random Hearse the Holy Insanitary Dispenser LET ALL WHO KNOW
YE REJOICE AND DESPAIR! And so it was, and all were indifferent.
126. And the first disorder of business completed at last since
nothing can be done without first being unfinished with the last thing of the
previous disorder is incompleted is to begin a new dimensional shift in the
space timeless continuum so that others would come to know the greatness of
peanut butter and bananas.
127. And Lord Random did embark on a reign of terror and tickles,
for he was of half a mind to scare the laughter out of others to demonstrate
the wisdom of Not Taking Ourselves Too Seriously. For it is Serious People who
are fooled into believing order is the true nature of the Universe and are
deaf, dumb, and blind but they sure play a mean pinball! (The Other Half of
Lord Random's Mind was Unavailable for Comment).