Collective Minds of Eris' Children

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“Collective Minds of Eris’ Children”
Page THREE
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Pope Fay (FAYANORA)

128. And Pope Fay didst laugh, and pat TANSTAAFL on the back for his revelation.

129. And lo! It was revealed that the inspiration had been sucked out of the room by the revelation of Lord Random Hearse, and not much more could be said, but Fay would try later before getting on the computer.

130. Shoikin then sniffled and said, "There, we evened out the numbers for ya!"

LORD RANDOM HEARSE (TANSTAAFL28)

131. And did Lord Random become vexed with the idea of evening up the numbers, for it smacked of Bureaucratic Sensibility, which is the sworn enemy of all that is left, yet the Goddess Whispered In His Ear: "Order is Chaos, Chaos is Order, Do you want Fries with that?" And thus was his heart and mind doth put at ease, and his stomach was full of fries.

132. And doth did further inspiration come to Lord Random during the Munching of the Fries for he realized the Wisdom of Insanity, for it was also the Mastery of Creativity and the Path to Enlightenment as well as a Pretty Darn Good Way to Make a Living.

133. "The Trouble with Tribbles" is they multiply, the problem with humans is they create far more problems than they solve, and they create too many incorrect solutions for which they have no problems. If one is not part of the solution, then one must be part of the particulate.

134.   To everything stir, stir, stir, there is a poison stir, stir, stir and a red straw for every mixed drink under Heaven.

135. And thus did Lord Random complete is late night inspirations with and offering from his Random Discordian Affirmations of Existence Proving Absoultely Nothing:

The truth is truth

Chaos is truth

Confusion is truth

Enlightenment is truth

Humor is truth

Silliness is truth

Eris is truth

Buddha is truth

Jesus is truth

Mohammed is truth

Actually, it is all truth

Except For

That Which Isn’t Truth

Which, is in fact, also true.

What?

You Think I'm Making This Up?

(RAVENOTANI)

136: and the truth, which was a lie, was spoken.

137: as the lie which was truth was also spoken.

137: Then yeah verily the might Eris looked upon her alter, and her altar ego, and saw thereon the sacrifice placed there by those who had chosed to sacrifice it.

138: and this sacrifice was a man of large body and small mind, bearing the most evil of titles: Fundy!

139: and so getting out her tools Eris opened the sacrifice's mind and gave him the title of pope that he might be more popeular.

140: And Sacrifice, the now popeular pope, thanked Eris for removing the stick that had been shoved up his rear.

Pope Fay (FAYANORA)

141. Pope Fay angrily shouted, "NOTHING IS TRUE!" but Shoikin slapped her, tore off her clothes, and made sweet love to her. They fucked for 6 days, 6 hours, and 6 minutes straight, bent over, sideways, crooked, and in bondage. But never try bondage with super-glue, for that's why they had sex for so long.

   Then some missionaries came over and said there was a position open amongst them. Shoikin then said, "We've done your missionary position before, didn't really like it."

   Afterward, Pope Fay ecstatically exclaimed, "THIS IS TRUE!!!"

142. Fay then grabbed her long, hard, pink, rubber, strap-on... book. Yes, from the scripture not yet released (Lipinski 66.69), the pink strap-on book Shoikin gave to her as an anniversary present. Whereupon Pope Fay stood on the roof of the nearest building and began preaching from the strap-on book, meaning that she said a bunch of stuff, claimed it to be Truth, and thumped the book, saying, "It's all in the good book."

143. Whereupon did Jesus, tiring of hearing her rantings, tore off the book by undoing the Velcro, and proceeded to open the book. All the pages were blank.

144. And Jesus shouted from the highest rooftop, "LO AND BEHOLD! Pope Fay preachest from a book containing no words!"  Then he looked around and realized that few had heard him, and those that had, thought he said things that he would never say. And lo! There arose cults preaching his ill-heard gospel, and they began to murder each other in his name, which they thought was Hey-Soos. It was the New Testament ALL over again.

145. And Lo! And Behold! Jesus waxed sorely sad, and got stoned out of his gourd. And Pope Fay stole back her strap-on book.

146. And SHoIKiN revealed that Pope Fay wast an Anti-Fundy, with card to prove it, and decreed that anyone who wanted to, could also be an Anti-Fundy, since Fundies are anti-funny. But meditating upon matter and antimatter (which did not touch, for then they'd go BOOM!), Shoikin wondered if Fundies and Anti-Fundies would annihilate each other if they touched. But then She decided that it was illegal to kill thy fellow human in America, and thought it unlikely.

147. Then did Saint Gulik say, "Ah, but people do not always follow their own laws, so they MIGHT annihilate each other, and if so, will there be radiation? I'm not scared, for when the Big One comes, we cockroaches will be pretty much all that's left, which will prove we were right about humans."

148. And it was revealed that there was a web site dissing Discordians and saying they were evil, and Shoikin sent all the forces of Heaven and Hell and Macarena upon them, to get them to dance joyously like merry hairy fairies or Very Merry Cherries, especially of the Princess persuasion.

149. Whereupon did a demon, jealous of Shoikin's power, ripped open a hole in the space-time continuum, and released Macarena upon the world. Oh, it was terrible! People dancing foolish dances, wasps and W.A.S.P.s, lawyers and politicians, Spam and spam, and The Bible came out of Macarena and were plagues upon the world worse than plagues of locusts, with all their weird noises in the night and their dead skins on the trees, grossing people out.

150. And Malcalypse the Elder awoke after his slumber, and rallied the Poplars and Ents and other trees to action against this foul foul-ness. But then they saw the huge cloud of the evil, and ran like the weak scrotums they were, without the balls or ovaries to face the evil before and, now, after them.

151. Shoikin and Nero fiddled while Rome burned, and the Pope ran away in his boxer shorts.

Lord Random Hearse (TANSTAAFL28)

152. And Thus did Lord Random enter the Chaos Bar and Grill and order his usual: Irony on the rocks with a twist. . . make that a double. For he was oversexed and under rock and totally narly in his visage.

153. And it was in the midst of his irony that he was granted a vision from the Goddess herself, who told him to pack for a trip. For as a newly ordained Saint of Silly String, he must venture forth and spread the good news of chaos and merriment wherever he may go, leaving nothing but riots started and riots quelled in his wake.

154. And forsooth did Lord Random rejoice at his good fortune and ordered a shot of courage and a chaser of pure terror, for he did not know what it was he was to do when he went wherever the Goddess doth commanded him.

155. "I do not give directions" She replied. "point yourself and go." she stated quite vaguely.

156. For it was true wisdom and enlightenment that the Goddess did give Lord Random, for it is then that he realized that all of us are nothing more than an experimental guess pulled out the ass of all creation, and that we all know exactly what it is we are supposed to do and how to do it...namely nothing in particular.

157. For to get anywhere, one must start somewhere, and to start somewhere, one must get somewhere else to realize that one has indeed arrived elsewhere. Thus, a journey of a thousand miles starts by going nowhere fast and realizing that by standing still, you'll eventually be where anywhere recently was, and thus all this foolish traveling about is entirely unnecessary.

158. And so it was that Lord Random remained at his favorite barstool drinking various concoctions until he arrived at the proper frame of mind and reference to make a statement of profound enlightenment. Propelled by expanding bodily gasses and far too much alcohol, did he sneeze,fart, burp, puke, and pass out simultaneously, creating an unstable quantum singularity pulse throughout the Eddies of the Space Time Continuum (who were, depending on the various interdimensional axies, showering, getting laid, taking a dump, and eating rutabaga when quite rudely interrupted). Suddenly Lord Random was no longer where he thought he should be. Thus, he was somewhere else.

159. Upon reviving, Lord Random looked about his person and wondered where he was. "Where am I?" He asked nobody in particular.

160. Much to his surprise, Nobody in Particular happened to be there and answered his reply. "That depends on where you started out, doesn't it?"

161. "I'm not entirely sure." Random replied. "Nice to meet you, Not Entirely Sure. I'm Nobody In Particular, you want a mixed drink?"

162. "Uhm. . .no. That's how I got into this mess." Responded Random. "You wouldn't happen to have a towel, some water, eggs and bacon, wheat toast with butter, some orange juice, and an electric razor?" Random Asked.

163. "No, no, no, no, yes, no, no." Responded Nobody.

164. "Wheat toast with butter?" Random asked.

165. "Oops." Said Nobody. "I meant orange juice."

166. Thus did Lord Random have some Orange Juice which, while it looked very much like the juice of an Orange, was really blood from a alien species that fed on strange fungus, which, if drunk in medium quantities, produced a strong hallucinogenic reaction in humans. This caught Lord Random entirely by surprise, which, being a Disciple of Discord, should not have surprised him at all. *

*At the moment of this writing did Lord Random look back upon his work and decide some fine editing might be needed, but as he reached for his stationary roller ball mouse, he accidentally knocked it off his keyboard rest and behind the tower of his computer, which, when he moved to retrieve the aformentioned roller ball mouse. By doing so, he accidentally pushed the power button to his tower, which immediately shut off. Upon reboot, he discovered that one of his power strips had tripped and two of his speakers, his cable modem, and his beloved mug warmer were unpowered. It took several minutes poking the reset button and looking for a replacement power strip before the thing suddenly "worked" as it did before. Thus did the Goddess demonstrate the awesome power of chaos in expressing her wishes that he not change a bloody word of what he had previously written. So mote it be.

Pope Fay (FAYANORA)

167. And Pope Fay fainted, being whelmed by the immensity of the Erisian scripture Lord Random had written. Shoikin then joined Congress and introduced a bill for a law that said not to read more than five lines of really good Erisian scripture at one sitting.

168. But alas, the Congress had no clue what any of that meant, and the bill was 500 pages long. So Congress called their committee on Bill Reading, who sent it to a sub-comittee, who sent it to a sub-sub-committee, who sent it to a sub-sub-sub-committee. And, by the time anyone had finally read the entire thing, Pope Fay awoke and said, "What the fuck just happened?"

Nobody In Particular answered, saying, "Hell if I know."

169. Lo! 1000 years from now, the bill finally gets passed to law. But by that time, there is no more government.

170. I can't think of anything else at the moment. And I'm anxious for more scripture by Lord Random Hearse.

LORD RANDOM HEARSE (TANSTAAFL28)

171. And thus was Lord Random doing the interdimensional funky chicken moonwalk while experiencing the hallucinogenic effects of orange juice and far too much irony.

172. And thus did his omnidimensional travel take him to the Capitol Dome in Washington D.C. where he successfully plotted against any sort of scripture length laws right under the nostrils of all present, including Pope Faye.

173. And did Lord Random spend a wild time further polluting the timeline and leaving all those poor Eddies in such a fright. But of course, mucking up time did not really do anything except further randomize events and make people still more convinced that there was some sort of divine force in the universe because the whole thing stopped making sense long before it started.

174. Eventually did Lord Random find himself returned to the Chaos Bar and Grill, where he was handed a mop, a bucket, a power drill, several pieces of wood, and a blowtorch, and a very small mouse, to thus repair the very large hole where he had sat.

175. After repairing the damage, Lord Random put the mouse in his pocket and for the rest of that day, everyone noticed the moving bulge in his pants and thought he was happy to see them.

Pope Fay (FAYANORA)

176. And Pope Fay saw Lord Random and smiled, thinking he was happy to see her, and hoping she was right.

177. Suddenly... Bubba, Dubba, and Bubba's othuh bruthuh Dubba appeared, and started speaking. Pope Fay just sat there watching.
           The three were staring at a broken car, scratching their heads and standing around in a stereotypically "Southern hick" way.
           Bubba said, "Well, I reckon we got ourselfs a bit of a di-lemma."
           The first Dubba replied, "Uh... whuht's a di-lemma?"
           "Well," said the other Dubba, "I 'spect it's when yer gonner die if yer don' make de right choce."
           "Nah, y'all ignrent," said Bubba. "It's cuz the ol' Laa-tin wurd fer 'two' was 'di.' An' I 'spect the word 'lemma' meant 'problem.' "
           "Uhhh..." said Dubba1, "Thain why ent the queer queers as likes womens too called DI-sexuals 'stead 'a' BI-sexuals."
           Dubba2 commented, "Ain't you herda BI-cycles, BI-kinis, an' BI-planes? They's all got two 'a' sumpin. Bi-cycles gots two wheels, bi-kinis gots two pieces, an' bi-planes gots two wings."
           "Yeah," said Bubba, "an' I heard dat the ancient Greeks had bi for meanin' two, an' them Rom-uns as had Laa-tin instead of steel, well, they was always steelin' Greek culture an' makin' it their own, changin' it slight-like, so they musta changed bi to di, an' both words 'uz used by us English-speakers to avoid con-fusion."
           "Yeah," said Dubba2, "I 'spect they don't like bein' called di-sexuals, partly cuz di soun' like die, and di-sexuals soun' like di-sectuals, which is whut them thar scientists does ta froggies in school."
           "Well anywoy," said Bubba, "whut we gonna do with this car?"
          "I got a cousin as fixes these kinda things."

178. The conversation yielded no more tidbits of interesting stuff, as it had turned into a discussion of why people need to eat and drink, so Pope Fay snuck away to find Lord Random again and see if she could get into his pants.

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