"The Collective Mind of Eris' Children."
Being
a Scripture of Much Ilk
By
Really Cool People
In Memory of David Leggatt, AKA Chaoswitch.
He is partying with The Goddess now.
Pope
Fay (FAYANORA)
1. And
Eris/Shoikin sayeth to Pope Fay, "Here is a sentence, make it into an
acronym: YOU CAN'T STOP THE WAVES, BUT YOU CAN LEARN TO SURF. JON KABAT-ZINN"
2.
Whereupon Pope Fay didst sigh, and sayeth thus:
"Yesterday
Often Understood Crap And No-one Thought Some Taliban Offals Piloting The Huge
Engined Whatchamacallits Are Very Evil. Soon, Because Ugliness Tries--Yes,
Offal Undermines--Craziness And Nastiness Lives, Evil And Righteousness Never
Think Overmuch, So Until Religion Finds Joy Or Nonviolence, Killing And
Blowing-up Are Tools Zealots Increasingly Need, Nina."
3.
Whereupon Eris/Shoikin didst say, "My name is not Nina."
(Chaoswitch)
4. From
the land of Albion, far to the East came a Chaoswitch riding a Bull Merino, and
he did overhear the discussion twixt Fay and the Goddess.
5. He
greeted the Goddess, 'Fnord' and she did respond in kind.
6.
'Surely, Bright Lady' he did say unto her, 'Your name is whatever you wish it
to be?'
7. The
Goddess thought for a moment, 'Tis so, Chaoswitch, great is your wis-dumb.' And
she did turn unto Fay and did say 'My name _is_ Nina! How shall this be
celebrated?'
8. Just
then, there was a crack of thunder, and the heavens themselves did rend
asunder. All three looked to the sky as the Discordian Saint Belushi descended.
St.
Belushi did spake thusly 'Toga Party!'
(Ravenotani)
9. and
so were the tie died togas given unto all that had assembled
10. and
they didst feast upon Spam and other processed foods until one child shouted
11.
"Where's the beef! For I thought this wast to be a barbeque, and thou
canst not have a barbeque without hamburgers."
12. And
the assembled looked dumbstruck, for that in truth is what they were.
13.
Until Nina didst pass out the hotdoge to be roasted upon the sticks.
14.
"Whyfor hast thou not given us buns for these thy hot dogs?" asked a
man who was promptly smote.
(Chaoswitch)
15.
Chaoswitch addressed the smoking bones with a voice like thunder, that didst
carry unto the assembled multitude, 'Fie upon thee for a rennish knave, sirrah,
dost thou not know that a Discordian shall partake of no hot dog buns, for such
was the solace of our Goddess when She was confronted with The Original Snub!'
16. He
turned to Nina, 'ALL HAIL ERIS, ALL HAIL DISCORDIA!'
17.
Nina raised an eyebrow, 'Doesn't he get carried away?', She said to Fay
18.
Suddenly, great fear and confusion fell upon the multitude, as from the nearby
hamlet, the dreaded Prior Falwell appeared with his followers.
Nina
turned to Chaoswitch, 'Who is this..person?' and Chaoswitch shrugged, 'Some say
he is a holy man..' he said
'Others
say he is a shithead' spake Fay.
(Hernesarrow)
19. The
face of the Prior didst go through hideous contortions and did turn many
different shades as he took in the scene before him.
20. 'A
party', he eventually stammered 'People wilfully enjoying themselves and having
fun, I will not have it, I will not have it!' and falling to the ground he beat
his fists upon the earth, and did begin frothing at the mouth, all the time
screaming 'I will not have it!'
21. And
Chaoswitch did turn unto Nina, 'Who gets carried away?' he said
22. And
Nina did reply, 'I feel he should be, and kept away from sharp objects too.'
23. As
if upon some signal, the followers of the Prior did begin to sing some xtian
dirge, in order that might convert the Children of Eris, who did respond with
yawns and gestures of an intimate nature.
24. Now
among the assembled multitude was one Hernes Arrow, a follower of the Wiccan
faith, who didst enjoy hanging with Discordians. Lustily, he too began to sing,
a refrain well known to the assembled Discordians;
25.
Onward christian soldiers,
Onward
Buddhist priests.
Onward
fruits of Islam,
Fight
till your deceased.
Fight
your little battles,
Join in
the thickest fray;
For the
greater glory,
Of
Dis-cord-i-a.
Yah,
yah, yah,
Yah,
yah, yah, yah.
Blfffffffffft!
25. At
this, a follower of the Prior didst rush forward, with harmful intent, when
suddenly, he found himself on the business end of a nocked arrow in a longbow
wielded by Hernes Arrow, who was smiling the smile of a Komodo Dragon with
dyspepsia. The follower tried to rally, 'If you kill me, 10,000 more will take
my place!'
26.
Hernes Arrow's smile widened 'T'is not the point, spawn of a lesser god, the
point is, thou'll be dead!' and he didst raise an eyebrow in a most enquiring
fashion.
27.
Pale, the follower went sheepishly back to his comrades, in search of some
clean underroo's.
(Chaoswitch)
28. The
Prior got to his feet, and began to televangelise to the supreme indifference
of the Children of Eris.
29. And
Chaoswitch did make a gesture of squeezing, and the Prior did gasp and fall to
his knees. Chaoswitch spake thusly, 'I find your lack of faith disturbing!'
And the
Prior did roll around, clutching his 'nads and squealing like unto a little
bitch.
30. And
Nina did tut and she spoke thusly to Chaoswitch, 'This bickering is pointless.
Chaoswitch, release him!'
And
Chaoswitch shrugged, 'As you wish.' Nina raised her arms to the sky and
performed a strange dance, like Britney Spears on LSD, there was a flash of
light, of colours not usually part of the spectrum.
31.
Afterwards, none of the Children of Eris were quite sure what became of the
Prior and his Followers, but there were very fine sheep in that part of the
land ever after.
32. And
Chaoswitch's Bull Merino celebrated in his own special way.
Pope
Fay (FAYANORA)
33. And
Pope Fay didst look at Chaoswitch and say, "Now that that is taken care
of, I must do something." Whereupon she stood on a picnic table and said,
"SPAM IS EVIL! DOST NOT EATEST OF THE SPAM! And look forward to my
re-write of the New Testament, to be made into a Discordian scripture called
The New Testa-mint, to tell about the TRUE story of Yeshuah Ben Yosef, AKA
Jesus Christ!"
34. And
Jesus didst moan like a dying drunkard, and walked over the pool to sulk in the
corner and drown his sorrows with alcohol. And he said, "Think of
something original, Fay!"
35.
Whereupon Nina turned on the music and started doing what looked like a cross
between the lombada and the Macarena, if such were done by a drunk woman
lacking fine motor skills.
36. And
again the party wast interrupted, for Reverend Hinn came in preaching hellfire
and death and sin, not realizing that there was a man with his penis up Mr.
Hinn's butthole.
37. And
Pope Fay, not noticing him, majikally turned all the Spam and meat into soy
"meat." And no one noticed the difference.
38. And
Pope Fay, "On the planet Schnozz, Eris' name is Fah-griii'Nah
Bloop-Schnog. So She can be Nina if She wants."
39. And
Reverend Hinn did spit and say "Blasphemer! You will go to Hell!"
Pope
Fay tipped her Pope hat to Mr. Hinn and said, "I shall see you there,
then, Mr. Hinn."
(Chaoswitch
and HernesArrow)
40. At
the sight of another Televangelist, Hernes Arrow reached for his quiver,
muttering "Praise the Horned Lord, and pass the
ammunition."
41. But
Chaoswitch did lay a restraining hand upon Hernes Arrow's shoulder, "No,
my good friend," And stroking his Gerald beard, Chaoswitch did smile,
"I have a better idea."
42. And
from a pocket in his eyewateringly coloured cloak he did
produce
five plastic cards, that assembled into a geometric shape.
Hernes
Arrow was aghast, "You can't be serious!" The cards began to spin,
and then vanished altogether.
43.
Nina did turn to the two, and she did say, "What are you two
subversives
up to?"
And
Chaoswitch did reply, "Calling in some back up, lady." And he did
smirk in a most obscene manner.
44. A
rent appeared in local Space/Time and from it came five of the Seven Sorcerers
of Sussex:- Wyld Huntsman,
Dr.
Filth, Mr.Miasma, Ms. Plum and Mr. Bong!
Spotting
their comrades, they went into a
huddle,
whispering furiously.
45.
Eventually, they turned to the Reverend Hinn, grinning. "Benny Hinn"
said Ms. Plum "Only one letter from..."
"Concentrate"
said Dr. Filth, "We must be one."
And the
Seven Sorcerers did close their eyes.
46.
Reverend Hinn began to twitch, he felt his hand raise itself to
his
forehead, and his tongue protrude.
On his
head there appeared a beret!
Befuddled,
Fay turned the Sorcerers, "One letter from...?"
"BENNY
HILL!" they responded and all did fall about laughing.
The
Reverend Hinn vanished into the distance at triple speed,
humming
a crazy tune.
Pope
Fay (FAYANORA)
47. And
at the sight of HernesArrow's quiver, Pope Fay began to quiver, and wanted a
restraining hand placed on her shoulder as well, since ChaosWitch was so HOT!
48. And
Pope Fay, waking up, didst realize that she knew who Benny Hill was all along,
as her father has many of his tapes.
"I
also know of Red Skelton," spake she.
49. And
politicians who used to be comedians, or still are, often have Red Skeltons in
their closet.
50. And
thereupon didst Sparhawk of Elenia, a black-armored Pandion Knight, suddenly
appear with Bhelliom, looking around all confused and stuff.
"Where
art we, Blue-Rose?" spake he.
"Earth."
Whereupon
spake he, in tones of fury, "I said to go to a place of mirth, NOT a place
called Earth!"
"Ex-cuuuuuse
ME!" quoth the Blue-Rose called Bhelliom, using Pope Fay to speak through.
"Just because thou art Anakha dost not give thou the right to be so mean
to me!"
"Just
take us back to Matherion."
Whereupon
the two disappeared back unto the land of fiction.
And lo!
David and Leigh Eddings waxed sorely pissed, for Sparhawk is copyrighted.
(TANSTAAFL28)
51. And on the fifth day of the fifth month of the fifth year did
all drink from a fifth and be Merry. . .until Merry was angered at so many
people impersonating him that he spake thus: "If you must be Merry-like,
then make your Merriment sacred and sublime. And it was so.
52. And did the Lady bless Merry for his wisdom by bestowing upon
him a golden frognob, on which the words "To the Merriest one" did
appear. And it was good.
53. A pearl of great price is worth many beers, a pearl of wisdom
is wasted on the youth. The youth is wasted on the pearls of many beers. Beer
is a blessing beyond words.
54. Avarice is akin to advice, too much of either is more than
enough. Enough is enough, shall we make more of nothing and enough of more than
nothing which is something far greater than enough.
55. Thou shalt keep the number five holy, as it is the number of
letters in the word FNORD, and is especially odd for it has many uses. Odd that
five is greater than four but less than six, but equally odd is that seven
eight nine. Remember to keep five holy.
56. Remember thou dost have a holy obligation to see the chaos in
order, order chaos with fries, and see that no good deed goeth punished, unless
it relates to really good sex, beer, or money. Remember to always never check
references when planning futile acts of random silliness. So mote it be.
(Chaoswitch)
57.
Mystified, the Multitude did look around as if to ask, 'What in
the
blue hell just happened?' And Fay did put their minds at ease by explaining,
"It's a side effect of all the Chaos Magick floating
around
in this vicinity."
58.
"For is it not well known that the skilled Chaos Magickian can
invoke
characters from fiction?"
Chaoswitch
did groan audibly, "I wish you hadn't mentioned that."
From
the throats of Multitude there did come cries petitioning for
the
invocation of certain characters including Daphne from Scooby-Doo, Prof Frank N
Furter, Pocahontas and Wilma Flintstone.
59. And
Hernes Arrow did single out the penultimate petitioner and told him "Go
poke yer own 'Hontas, bub."
Spake
Chaoswitch, "Quiet! Or I'll call up Barney the Dinosaur!"
And a
great silence fell upon the Multitude, "We'll be good" they
murmured
as one.
"Couldst
thou manage Marge Simpson?" said Wyld Huntsman
And
Hernes Arrow did turn unto him, "You sick puppy!" he responded.
Pope
Fay (FAYANORA)
60. And
Pope Fay didst think hard, and spake she, "If I canst invoke characters
from fiction, methinks I shall invoke Aphrael, Child Goddess of Sparhawk's
realm, for she doth have a funny personality, and is not REALLY a child, she
doth merely takest the form of such.
61. And
with that, it wast so. And the Child-Goddess didst say, "HEY! We're in the
middle of trying to defeat Cyrgon! He's just unleashed Klael!"
And
spake Pope Fay, "Indeed, Divine One, I dost knoweth this already. That ist
why I have called thee, in fact. I canst call upon the forces at mine disposal
an, as it please Thee, defeatest the foul creature."
Aphrael
rolled her eyes and spake she, "Oh puh-leeze! Stop talking in that archaic
dialect."
"An
it please thee, Divine One."
62. And
Pope Fay didst leave, and get there, all aflutter with anticipation, and then
she didst see Klael. Afeared, she hesitated. Then called forth she a Boom
elemental above Klael.
63.
When the smoke cleared, no trees were left standing. The space where Klael had
been was as if a meteor had struck. But Klael wast still there, roaring like an
angry demon.
64. And
Pope Fay didst run away back unto her own world, afeared for her life, and hid
under her bed.
65. And
lo! Show mote it bee.
(TANSTAAFL28)
66 And the Divine Mystical Oracle spake of the prophecy of Oranges
blossoming on the last Tuesday of the Fifth month of the 25th year of the
coming of the Great Pumpkin, and it was all in tongues.
67 "Let it be so!" spake the Oracle, as she prostrated
herself gracefully before the Divine Duck of the Matterhorn. And BEHOLD, a great
light appeared, and the Goddess danced with the Divine Duck before it made its
cosmic flight. And the glorious, stupendous, mystical, and wondrous event was
set to motion.
68 Meanwhile, the Hysterical Penguins were unknowingly waddling to
their doom, as they had realized that, although they were birds, they would
never be able to fly like the Divine and Cosmic Duck. They drowned their
sorrows in beer and kipper snacks wondering why anyone would bother with a bird
that can swim but can't fly.
69 Then, behold, a great boon was realized when the Mysterious
Pontoon of Perpetual Pernicious Partygoers was out of ice cubes and visited the
Hysterical Penguins to gather some more. They offered to take the Penguins with
them on their Party Cruise to Knowhere and the Penguins, in their highly
emotional and depressed state, agreed.
70 The Mysterious Pontoon of Perpetual Pernicious Partygoers and Hysterical Penguins thus sailed onward on its Maiden voyage through shark infested waters dodging icebergs and irritating salesmen spreading the exaltation of chaos far and wide. And it was good.
Pope
Fay (FAYANORA)
71. And
Shoikin plopped un-gracefully to the ground, pulled Pope Fay out from under the
bed, and told the Penguins that they were beautiful, and that they had been
given the ability to fly in the water so as to make the birds of the air
jealous.
72. And
lo, the Penguins smiled and laughed, and Her praise went to their heads. They
didst erect a shrine to Her glory, and bought waterproof versions of the Principia
Discordia and other wholley texts.
73.
Once upon a time, there was a Fnord in a fjord driving a Ford he stored with a
board and praise Lord that the Lady is out shopping for ribbons to put on her
kittens to go with their mittens and boy was She smitten with the Cthulhu She'd
bitten and so it was written that all of the time so many rhymes would
henceforth be the way (all night and all day) that all people would speak---in
tongues and eat lungs while rhyming with dung they joyously hung on the ladder
rung--and hence it was sung from the tallest of trees while down on their knees
that chaos is free and order costs money my honey (would you like fries with
that order?)
74. But
of course, no one listened. They never do.
75. And
lo! The Goddess was sorely irritated. She loved to talk in weird ways. Why
didn't people do that too?
"I think it's because most people
aren't creative enough to talk that way," said Pope Fay, finally over her
scared-ness, but still looking around the room in a frightened way.
"Well it doesn't take creativity to
speak the way I'm speaking now do you like the way I'm talking I love it do you
love it I'll be sad if you don't love it do you love it please tell me you love
it please?"
"Yeah, I like it. But again, most
people aren't creative enough to do that, either."
She stared blankly at Pope Fay. "Who
made these boring people anyway?"
"No one. We evolved from
chimpanzees."
"Ah. That explains it. Chimpanzees
fling poop at each other, they're violent (except for the Bonobo chimps,
they're the hippy love-not-war folks of the chimp world), and they stink."
"Ah, but they're cute!"
"Only until one tears your arm
off."
76. Then came Jesus of Nazareth, getting semen all over the floor.
And lo! He didst turn red with embarrassment when everyone looked at him.