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“Collective Minds of Eris’
Children”
Page FIVE
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LORD RANDOM HEARSE (TANSTAAFL28)
226. And lo, did Lord Random switch the Creative Vacume from "suck" to "blow" thus giving back to Pope Faye that which was missing in the hopes that she may be restored.
227. For let it be written and said and communicated by sign language and secret decoder rings at the bottom of all cereal boxes and Cracker Jacks; that all life is unpredictable and chock full of surprises. Thus it is with all beings, thou shalt experience times of bounty and joy and creative expression will flow, and they will also experience times of drought, sorrow, and their creativity shall ebb. Fear not, for it is but a wisp of a wisp of a wisp of time, as is your life in the grand scheme of things, pretty depressing, eh?
228. But alas, let us not dwell upon that which is not of this moment, for this moment has already passed and another has taken its place just as the one which took the place of the one that was but a moment ago has taken the place of the one which is now but already later than we think. Time is nothing more than a greased pig on meth. To keep up with it, we must continually grasp at now, which is already then by the time we have discussed it.
229. For although people seem to live by the clock, they are acutely aware that time is relative to the general level of enjoyment derived from any given activity. Relatively speaking, the more enjoyable the activity, the faster time flows, the least enjoyable activities take far longer. Thus time is not a constant, it is a variable, and as such is a province of the Goddess, for she is the greatest variable of all.
230. And thus does it become time for Lord Random to send his weekly fax to a corporate office 3,000 miles from his home so that he may continue to receive his weekly paycheck for doing virtually nothing. For as much as he may pay tribute to the Goddess and know for a fact that chaos is order and order is chaos, time is money, and money is time, and money is money and money is MINE (hey look, I made it rhyme) (it must be a sign) (what a strange kind of sign) (I wonder what I'll find) (it is almost a crime) (but I am in a bind) (if I don't stop this line) (My wife will be unkind) (If I don't get paid on time) (Do you mind?)
Pope Fay (FAYANORA)
231. And lo! It was
revealed unto the masses that Pope Fay wast bowled over and under by Lord
Random's immense skill at writing Discordian scripture, and didst bow before
his skill.
232. Then, the
Profit-Saint Fayanora didst stand up, shake like a druggie on a meth and heroin
withdrawl, her hair turned green then red then blue then clear then brown
again, and lo! she had a profit-see:
"Hear ye, hear ye!
All peoples who have contributed to this scripture (which Pope Fay is keeping
in a Word document to later be a web page, if it ever gets finished or until we
reach the one-million post limit for this thread, whichever comes first) will
henceforth be automatically inducted into the new Surrealistic Elephantine
Xenophilliac Yodelers (S.E.X.Y.) Cabal, and listed on a page just for that
cabal, and their names shall be links to their web sites (if they have them),
or their email addresses (if they want them posted), or perhaps just plain.
"Also, you should read Lipinski 66.69.
233. Jesus wast sitting on
the toilet, reading Lipinski 66.69, and drinking whiskey. He then turned to
face us, and, with a commercial adverisment smile, said, "Drink Jack
Daniel's Whiskey, and read Lipinski 66.69!"
234. And Hey Suess met Dr.
Suess in a zuess with a goose, whuess noose was loose like juice of ruess.
235. "Volunteers
needed to volunteer their time and their thyme to local soup kitchen."
Lord Random Hearse (TANSTAAFL28)
237. And thus didst
Lord Random feel humbly honored at Pope Faye's stunning tribute to a talent not
entirely his own, but at that critical point at which talent, silliness,
ignorance, improvisation, dumb luck, movie cliches, and pure stupidity doth
meet. A serendipitous juxtaposition of septic proportions if you will, (which,
if you won't, I will 'cause I'm built to thrill).
238. And didst Lord
Random type whatever pops into his mind without much thought, for this is the
true way to catch the wave of prophecy, that and a lot of Monty Python re-runs.
239. And so it was that
the secret (which is no secret) was revealed (which is to say it didn't need to
be) that there is nothing special about Lord Random except excess flatulance
and too many pocket tools.
240. And thusly didst
much ado about something which was really nothing to be ashamed of become
nothing which is something to be proud of. And thus did it become obvious that
nothing was as it seems and this is the way things are, were, and will always
be.
241. And Lo didst Lord
Random pay special tribute to Saint Cool Hand Luke:
"What we've got
here is...failure to communicate. There are some men you just can't reach. Luke
happens to be one of those men. So you get what you had here last week, which,
is the way he wants it, well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you do.
But that's that"
242. And thus did Lord
Random discover a MASSIVE error in the sequence of the scriptures and renumber
them accordingly, for chaos is no the same thing as confusion, one leads to
understanding while the other does not.
243. And as such did
Lord Random wish to remain writing scripture until he had reached a number
which contained a "5," for this is the holiest of numbers and should
be honored whenever and wherever possible.
244. Lord Random did
not reach this number yet. It was but one number away, but it seemed like an
eternity with nothing to fill the void before he could relax and enjoy basking
in the warm glow of a number divisible by 5 and thus restored to holiness by
its very presence. This was the hope and dream of all discordians everywhere.
FNORDS and FIVES for everyone!
245. REJOICE! For
Lord Random did indeed succeed in imbalancing the balance, (or balancing an
imbalance depending upon which way one chooses to look upon it). Thus would the
numbers be set right again.
(Ravenotani)
246: and in flew a Raven who was in truth an Angelic Demon who had taken for her name that of a bird which had wounded her. And this strange creature bespoke the discorians present:
247: "In truth five be not the sacred number and the sacred number be not 5!"
247: "Only in falsehood be the sacred number 5 and 5 be the sacred number!"
248: "^ be the sacred number and the sacred number be ^" and few understood these words for the shift key had accidently been pressed in her mind.
249: 6 of those present complained that 5 be the sacred number in truth and 6 uttered that this strange being was the new prophet and 6 asked what the hell kind of number ^ was anyway?
250: As there were 6 and 6 and six which be the number of the beast present and speaking the christians were all raptured and the people of Earth cheared.
251: and so one sixth of the world declaired Raven the True prophet, one sixth declaired her a heretic, and the remaining sixth simply ignored the ravings of an abovious lunatic.
252: and when she came unto a number evenly divisible by six her pineal
gland ordered her to stop the post so she did.
Pope Fay (FAYANORA)
253. And much enlightenment (confusion) did ensue as Pope Fay set about the
task of re-ordering the numbers on her Word version of this scripture, which
didst cause her to finally pull out all her hair in befuddlement.
254. Then didst Pope Fay read Angelic Demon's (Ravenotani's, for those who are
reading the Word version) part of the scripture, and she and Shoikin jumped up
and down and started screaming like one sees at times on The Price Is Right.
And why? For it was revealed many months ago to Pope Fay that 6 is the number
of Shoikin, Her favorite number (along with 69, 3, and 666).
255. And to combine 69 and 666 in a scripture title, the overly-long "Lipinski
66.69" wast written!
Also, it was revealed that Ravenotani and Pope Fay were
Seoul Sisters, though they weren't technically Asians, and not technically
Sisters (AFAIK).
256. Pope Fay stood up and said, "Some day, this scripture will hopefully
get to number 666. When that day comes, *I* want to be the one to get that
number!!!"
Lord Random Hearse (TANSTAAFL28)
257. And thus did Lord Random grow pert and irritated that none of his cohorts were adding scripture and thus did he take it upon himself to add some more. For as he could be playing Diablo II LOD, he also could be doing other things, and though the temptation was doth great, Lord Random resisted long enough to enter some humble pie in the faces of all Greyfaces everywhere.
258. Thus as it was written and thus it shall be that the highest and most noble sentiment in all the universe: "Shit happens," is entirely true and forthwith. For in all the universe all beings must excrete, and all excretions must happen, and while shit doth happen, it must be noted that one being's excrement is another being's fertilizer. This being the truth of all living things makes little or no difference, but is of cosmic importance. (When of course someone has to come along and muck it up by saying: "Shit happens for a reason.")
259. Having firmly established that shit happens, whether for a reason or otherwise, one must abide by the fact that different shit happens at different times, it is near impossible for the same shit to happen more than once (unless you happen to have an accident with your toilet and a time machine) thus it is imperative to note that while this process is inevitable, its results are often wild and unpredictable, and as such, the province of the Goddess, who has delegated this task to one of Her many minions. After all, why would she want to personally handle everybody's poop?
260. This is not to say that other things do not happen as reliably or as unpredictably as shit: puke, piss, cum, spit, and the occasional hairball are also known to happen, but one cannot align the cesium clock on the decaying radiation of a hairball with the same predictably unpredictable results that one is able to with shit. Thus does shit happen and it happens to be shit. Now SCAT!
261. And thus did Lord Random contemplate his navel lint while sitting in his comfortable blue office chair upon his not so organized office in his relatively clean and organized house, behind which is his neat and organized in-ground swimming pool, in front of which is his not so neat and organized garage. And it did occur to him that it was payday, and this was of great comfort and joy, until it also occured to him that he had bills to pay and this thought vexed him so, reminding him of verses 253-256 all over again.
262. And did Lord Random spy upon the top of one of his shelves his Aerobee, the frisbee of the Gods. For this frisbee could fly indefinitely before lopping off the head of a pigeon or trimming the bushes. This was a source of great comfort to him.
263. "Let it be spoken that a good Aerobee is an imitation Mother-of-Pearl necklace of greater or equal value." And it was done.
(Ravenotani)
264: and RavenOtani, most Angelic of Demons glanceth at the screen upon which words of dark were written.
265: And these words of dark were written upon light so verily she chose to add to them through the repeated pushing of buttons.
266: She typeth unto all present the true lies of her past and present, though refering to herself in third person as authors are occasionally wont to do.
267: And in the Angelic Demons writings it was revealed that in the life she lived wherein she took the name of a bird which she hated she had grown up in china, a coiuntry she would now like to nuke.
268: But that life is not this, in this life she hides within the white body of her disgustingly inteligent host.
269: and to add to the confusion she saw fit to reveal there is also the seoul of a jewish girl who was born of a liason between the man later known as Jesus Christ and a Woman of unrevealed name.
270: Until, for the sake of sacred numerology, she choseth to end her latest contribution on a number evenly divisible by both 6 and 9 which some would consider an embarassing position to be in.
It just ocured to me that references to scripture numbers that are wrong is
very discordian.
Pope Fay (FAYANORA)
264. Pope Fay didst scream
angrily and say, "I USUALLY WRITE SCRIPTURE OVER A LONG TIME!!! The 29+
page Lipinski 66.69 took months to write, and much was done while I was bored
out of my mind at work, working at a telemarketing firm! Which is not firm but
soft, and sitting around all day is making me soft and round."
265. As Mao Tsu said,
"If shit didn't happen, you'd explode." And it took Pope Fay several
months to finally understand the joke of that phrase. Her brain must be a 3K
computer processor trying to load six Net pages at once, and crashing like the
airplanes that crashed on 9/11, the day which no-one will forget because the
Media will never LET US forget. It will be a fairy tale told to children in the
year 350,000 AD. ADd that to your list, CNN, and read my lips: "NO ONE
FUCKING GIVES A SHIT ANYMORE! FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO MASTURBATE ABOUT!"
“2000 years after 9/11, people
are still mourning!” quoth CNN.
266. Einstein recieved his
best ideas while shaving his face. Pope Fay gets her best ideas while taking a
crap and/or while shaving her legs, for shaving of the legs takes much skill at
contortionism to reach all the spots on the calf that need shaving, and it is
thus reccommended as a daily excercise routine for ALL PEOPLE. For leg hair is
skanky, we should ALL, regardless of gender, shave our legs. And our pits, too.
Pope Fay then tried to shave the annoying hairs growing around
her anus, but eventually gave up for lack of contortionism skills, and resigned
herself to dingleberries (little balls of poop that hang off of anus hair).
267. Lo! Pope Fay forgot
payday last time for several days, had to be reminded by her mother. The check
came in the mail, and she wast embarrassed.
268. And Pope Fay wast
reading into the Church of the SubGenius, and began smoking frop with Bob. But
not too much, the SubGenii are too wierd even for Fay. "They have some
interesting ideas, but it's all wierder than walking into my bedroom and
catching Michael Jackson in an orgy with his pet chimp Bubbles and several
little boys."
269. Pope Fay hereby
claims 269 in honour of... something. *grin*
And she didst say, "Fuck the numbers then, I claimed 269 and no one can
change that. Fucking see if I fucking care then, okay?"
__
270. Pope Fay screamed,
"FUCK IT!!! I posted scripture at the same time as you (Ravenotani), 264
thru 269, so I'm moving on to 270, not changing your numbers nor mine on the
Word version. Just moving on to 270.
271. Uh... I'm plumb out
of ideas. Fuck, this thread has sucked out my creativity like Dr. Crusher
sucked stuff out of Riker's head through a straw in Data's first dream.
(Kaishay)
272. And priestess Kaishay did retrieve her wand of inspiration, and blowing much dust from off it's shining surface anointed the Head of Pope Fay with it's tip to awaken her creativity once more, saying "Don't be daft, thou art more craetive then Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen, decorator of Changing Rooms from British Television, go forth and amaze with your words of wonderment."
(Most Holy Fobea)
00274 In the fashion which was known to him, Foebea came into the
00275 room through a crack in the wall and shouted what is was that
00276 he had come here to say.
00277
00278 Yah!
00279 Let it be switched to the OFFICIAL DISCORDIAN DOCUMENT
00280 NUMBERING SYSTEM(tm)
00281 so that all may be able to enjoy the punch at the party, and
00282 so on and so forth as it may.
00283
00284 With a shout of **POOF GONE**, the Touter left this realm,
00285 possibly losing the link in the process and being lost in the
00286 ether for all time.
00287
Lord Random Hearse (TANSTAAFL28)
00288 And Lord Random thought: "This looks
familiar, sort of like
00289 programming lines from my comp sci days..." But alas Lord
Random
00290 does not have the plineiscid to continue such a field or strenuous
00291 form of numbering for long, for he is doth a stunning, said he,
00292 nonconformist who thinks we should all be nonconformists together
00293 like the good bad old days of punk rockers sporting spike hair
00294 cuts and rooster tails which was "in" when he was but a young
lad
00295 in high school in the mid 1980's: "To hell with all this HTML
rubbish!"
296. And did the urge cometh and go like passing gas, which is to say that methane is good for the environment as it burns cleanly and cheaply as opposed to fossil fuels, which do not. Which is to say that someone with a nose for raw sewage could make a killing extracting the methane for commercial use if someone could figure out how to do it.
297. But alas, this is another pipe dream like cold fusion, which is probably as likely as monkees flying out of thy butt, not impossible, but infinitly improbible (not to mention painful).
298. And thus did these miandering thoughts lead in no particular direction which suited the temperament of a discordian disciple down to the root because direction implies order, and order implies balance, and balance implies scales, and scales are evil.
299. Thus did Lord Random continue upon his merry way, for his wife doth named Mary and she was also merry which was good most of the time, except when she wasn't merry, because she had a tendency to be very un-merry and at which point Mary would usually want to un-marry.
300. And woe to anyone who attempts to write scripture at the same time as Lord Random, who claims 300 to be HIS number for no particular reason, which makes all the sense in the world, for sense isn't common and the world is a bunch of numbered freakazoids on a one way power trip with no brakes straight into the sun, which we might as well be walking on if you listen to certain sources.